What Not to Name Your Dog

Naming a new dog isn’t always an easy task.  We struggled with names for ours, until we decided to go with band names.  Thus they became Ozzy Osbourne, Jackyl, Chewy Lewis (and the News), Great White, Meatloaf, Santana, Pantera and our little Monkey.  Of course, I do wonder sometimes what the people at the church next door think when I stand on my back porch and yell out band names.

This comes from an ancient Ann Landers column.  Long before the internet reigned, I had clipped it out of the newspaper.  But it’s still very funny.

What NOT to Name Your Dog    

Everybody who has a dog calls him `Rover’ or `Boy’.  I call mine `Sex’.  He’s a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex.  He said, “I’d like one, too!”  Then I said, “But this is a dog.”  He said he didn’t care what she looked like.  Then I said, “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.”  He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.  I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.

He said, “You don’t need a special room.  As long as you pay your bill we don’t care what you do.”  I said, “Look, you don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.”  The clerk said, “Funny – I have the same problem.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away.  Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed.  I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.  He told me I should’ve sold my own tickets.  “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.”  He said, “Now that cable is all over the place it’s no big deal anymore.”

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.  I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.”  The judge said, “The court room isn’t a confessional.  Stick to the case, please.”

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.  He said, ” Me.too.”

Last night Sex ran off again.  I spent hours looking around town for him.  A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?”  I told him that I was looking for Sex.  My case comes up Friday!

It may be an oldie, but it’s still funny.  Of course, his dog must have lived to be 25 to have been with him from age 9 through marriage and divorce.  So how did you decide on your dog’s name?

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